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<h2>How to Talk to Young Children About Adoption</h2>
<img id="sidepics" src="../images/sidepics.jpg" alt="happy children">
<p>by Jane Brown, M.S.W. Adoption Educator, Adoptive Parent</p>

<h3>Setting the stage: helping children learn to express feelings so

that they can talk about adoption</h3>

<p><em>Question:</em> Frequently I ask my preschool child about his
adoption, but he never seems to have any questions or have the need to
talk about his personal history. Is this all right or should I be doing
more?</p>

<p><em>Answer:</em> In order to help our children discuss their
questions, thoughts, and feelings about having been adopted into the
family, it is important that we familiarize ourselves with how,
developmentally, children understand adoption and that we build
effective family communication skills so that our children CAN tell us
what is on their minds and in their hearts. Age six to seven (although
this varies from child to child) is a big turning point in how children
view adoption and their personal history, so I'd like to begin by
telling you what children understand before and then after this age,
typically.</p>

<p>The preschool age is a fascinating and fun time in adoptive families
because parents love to tell the story of how their child joined the
family and the preschoolers love that! Children of this age are
egocentric and so they LOVE their adoption story. They are open to
hearing the details again and again and capable of taking in new pieces
of their story little by little. They are fascinated by facts and
stories about the land of their birth. They are proud to be members of
their family and happily share with others all about how they became
members of their family. They love to hear parents tell them of the
specialness of having been adopted.</p>

<p>A wonderful way to begin to introduce more of his story to your child
is to make a lifebook. A lifebook is similar to a traditional baby book,
but instead of beginning with the child's entrance into your family, it
begins from the beginning, with his birth parents. It tells, in an age
appropriate way, how and why his birth parents may have become pregnant,
struggled with what to do, and made the decision to make an adoption
plan. It goes on to tell what happened from the time the child was
separated from his birth mother until he came home. It might include
information about what was going on in the child's country-of-origin
that might have caused his birth parents to have some of the problems
that they had. It might tell of how sad and difficult it is for birth
parents to make an adoption plan and how they worry and wonder forever
after about their child. The book might include a letter from you to
your child's birth parents.</p>

<p>A lifebook is also a tool for the child to retell his story to you.
You might label pages and ask your child to draw pictures, write some of
the text, write a letter to his birth mother. In that way, parents can
get an idea of what their child understands from they story they have
told and what he still needs to hear again. The lifebook, if it is
constructed with removable pages, can be a work in progress throughout
your child's lifetime. As your child is ready for more information or
his cognitive ability grows, the pages can be reworked with more
sophisticated language and more detailed information. This is a great
project to begin with a preschool child. If parents wait beyond these
years, they are likely to find that their child will not be willing to
work on a lifebook.</p>

<p>Let's look now at where your child is likely to be at age six to
seven. At about this age, a child's cognitive ability will take him
beyond the concrete, to think beyond the information and opinions that
his parents have shared with him regarding how they feel about adoption
and having brought him into their family. He is having more and more
contact with the outside world and is becoming increasingly aware of the
negative misconceptions our society has about adoption, racism, and the
intrusiveness of strangers with adoptive families, as well as his
parent's pride in having adopted him into the family. The six or seven
year old continues to be interested in what his parents have to say, but
is more and more drawn to the opinions of his peers. He no longer shares
all that he thinks, feels, or knows with his parents, preferring to keep
secret some of his inner thoughts. What he is confused, sad, or
embarrassed about he is likely to keep to himself. If parents are going
to get beyond the facade of "I don't EVER think about adoption" they are
going to have to learn to tune-in to their child's round-about way of
sending clues and also his behavioral clues that will signal that he is
thinking about adoption and how it pertains to him.</p>

<p>The six to seven year-old, for the first time, is really able to
understand that adoption involved a loss as well as a gain. He is able
to think about, wonder about and have intense feelings about the birth
parents who made an adoption decision for him. His feelings range from
sad to angry and he may engage in lots of fantasy about who they were,
what they were like, and why they couldn't "keep him." For the first
time, he is having to respond to questions regarding why he was adopted
with his peers-- without the help of his parents or another adult, as
these types of questions usually are asked at the bus stop, in the
cafeteria, or on the playground when adults are scarce. Often, it is an
older child who is asking these questions. When he behaves in ways that
get him into trouble with his parents, he may worry that they, too, will
decide not to keep him, for he couldn't possibly understand enough about
adult problems that would lead a set of birth parents to make an
adoption plan. Fearful even of hinting about this, he worries in
silence. Still having a short attention span, he does not dwell on
adoption questions and feelings, but jumps from these concerns of the
moment to what he is going to have for a snack, who is having the next
birthday party, and who he is going to play with this afternoon.</p>

<p>If parents are going to get beyond the facade of "I don't EVER think
about adoption and I don't have ANY questions" they are going to have to
learn to tune-in to their child's round-about way of sending clues and
also his behavioral clues that will signal that he is thinking about
adoption and how it pertains to him. For example, a child who sobs and
sobs over a kitten who is spending her first night away from Momma Cat
may really be just sad for the kitten, but is more likely to be thinking
a bit about how it might have been for her to have spent her first night
away from her birth mother. A child whose behavior changes quite
suddenly and is continually getting into trouble at school may be
thinking that he was such a "bad" baby that even his "own" (this is the
term others, outside the family use-- and children know it and are
confused by it) birth parents "didn't want him." He may be so fearful
that you, too, will not want him that he is testing this out. Another
child may be, all of a sudden, daydreaming all the time and not able to
focus in on her school work.</p>

<p>Wise parents consider where their child will be a few years ahead of
time, and parent their child accordingly. How DO parents of preschool
children prepare themselves and their child for the stage ahead, when
adoption will be more than the joyous way that they became part of their
forever family? ARE there things that parents can do to make sure that
their child knows how to communicate what they are thinking, feeling,
and wondering about?</p>

<p>One of the most valuable keys to effective parenting and to helping
children talk openly about adoption is to help them learn to recognize
and express their feelings at an early age. Most parents, if asked,
believe that they do this, but in reality, few of us know how to
communicate about our own feelings or how to help and encourage others
to talk about theirs. Instead, we listen the intent of responding. We
use lots of "buts" in our conversation or respond by saying what we
think. We try to tell the other how to change what they are feeling. We
are judgmental i.e."You shouldn't feel that way. You aren't thinking
correctly about this." One boy told me that he feels like he is a comma
in the middle of his father's sentences. His dad listens without
listening and then goes right on with what he was intending to say. This
is an area that we all need to fine-tune.<font></font></p>

<p>Reflective listening is a particular type of listening whereby one
listens carefully to the words and tone of voice and watches the body
language of another to try to understand how that other person is
feeling, regardless of the words that are actually spoken. The listener
mirrors the possible feeling to the other person in the form of a
tentative guess at how that person is feeling. This gives the other the
opportunity to recognize and tell how he is feeling about the topic of
conversation. It is NOT telling the other that you KNOW how he feels. It
is NOT questioning the other about how he feels.</p>

<p>For example, one day one of my children came home with a huge scowl,
stomped around the kitchen, and criticized his younger brother non-stop.
"You seem to be really angry about something" I said. "I am NOT!" he
stormed, but I noticed that he settled down a bit. "Gosh, I'm surprised.
You just seem to be upset or sad" I said. Later, I intervened when he
and his sister got into their millionth argument. "You don't even care
what happens to me!" he shouted. "It seems like I don't notice what is
going on with you" I mirrored. "Yeah, you don't even care that everybody
else got invited to Billy's party except me!" he wailed. "I'm guessing
that you are really hurt and angry about that. Tell me more about it" I
said.</p>

<p>I did NOT attempt to talk him out of his feelings, but listened and
empathized. In this way, I knew that he would get the feelings on the
outside so that they would no longer have the power to hurt him and he
could begin to change them himself. No one appreciates or feels
understood when they share their feelings with someone who dismisses
them, doesn't accept them, as is, and fails to acknowledge them. Neither
do others feel understood when another says "I understand exactly how
you feel." Listening in a way that says "I am trying to figure out how
you are feeling-- correct me if I guess wrong" feel understood, accepted
and cared about. This is important because all too often, adoptive
parents want to apply an emotional band aid when their child is
struggling with feelings related to adoption or feeling different.</p>

<p>In this situation that I've described, my son spent several minutes
crying and talking about how left-out he felt and how hard it is to feel
different and rejected by his friends. Only then was he ready to
problem-solve ways to cope. It was my availability to listen,
verbalizing possible feelings so that he could connect how he was
feeling inside with the words to communicate those inner feelings
without trying to force him to confide in me before HE was ready to that
helped him to vent, so that he could move on to something else. That
skill is what we name Reflective Listening and it is a learned skill, no
parent or adult is born with this ability. It is learned and it takes
practice to perfect it.</p>

<p>Parents who are most successful at helping their children communicate
with them about how they think and feel regarding having been adopted
are those who listen for feelings and those who themselves communicate
about their own feelings. We set the stage for children to talk with us
about adoption all along the pathway of their childhood, adolescence,
and communicating about both positive and negative feelings, and enable
our children to express their feelings in a non-judgmental way when we
start early. How early? I encourage families to practically stand over
their child's crib and begin to talk about feelings! Why? Although
babies are, of course, too young to tell us how they feel, WE need the
practice. Getting tuned-in to our own feelings will help us to be more
attuned and ready to respond to others' feelings.</p>

<p>Even if your child is way past the baby and toddler stage, it is
never too late! We can all learn to communicate more effectively and our
efforts will pay off. Parents who learn and practice these skills, even
when their children are in their teens still find that it encourages
their child to ask questions more freely, discuss any concerns they have
more easily, and talk about adoption at least a little more openly. It
takes patience and perseverance though to enable a child who has never
seemed to want to discuss adoption to begin to share what he is
thinking.</p>

<p>For more help to learn about reflective listening, there are several
excellent books available. HOW TO TALK SO KIDS WILL LISTEN AND LISTEN SO
KIDS WILL TALK, Double-Dip Feelings: Stories to Help Children Understand
Emotions by Barbara S. Cain, and S.T.E.P. Systematic Training for
Effective Parenting are three excellent resource books. For further
information about how and when children understand (developmentally)
adoption a wonderful book to read is BEING ADOPTED: THE LIFELONG SEARCH
FOR SELF by David Brodzinsky and Marshall Schecter.</p>

<p>Go back to the <a href="index.htm">Jane Brown archive</a>.</p>

<p class="fineprint">Jane Brown is both an adoption social
worker/educator and an adoptive &amp; foster mother of nine children,
some of whom are now grown. She lives and works in Arizona. She serves
on the editorial board of Adoptive Families Magazine and writes a
regular parenting column for the publication. She is the creator of
Adoptive Playshops which is a series of workshops for adopted children
age five+, their non-adopted siblings, and adoptive parents in which
children are helped through playful, multisensory activities to explore
growing up in an adoptive family and racial identity, plus develop
skills for dealing with societal attitudes and beliefs about adoption
and includes helping children resist and confront racism and bullying.
She can be reached at: janebrown77@earthlink.net or at: (602) 690-5338.</p>
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